Sarcastic St. Patrick’s Day

Written by: Raine Phillips

Ah yes, the beloved holiday, St. Patrick’s Day. A celebration composed of cheap alcohol and the color green—I MEAN, a holiday based on the religious feast dedicated to St. Patrick, a patron saint of Ireland.

It’s annual events like this that help me to realize realize that humanity will literally find any minor excuse to indulge themselves in celebratory occasions.


I feel like a long time ago, a group of old white men sat around a table and determined what should be a worthy holiday.

Leprechaun Sketch
Photo by: Lidnsey Hyslop. A mischievous Leprechaun, in case you forgot what holiday it is.

“Hm… I GOT IT! A holiday where everyone has to wear green in honor of some dead fart from Ireland! Isn’t that genius!?”

And then one of the other old guys spoke up.

THAT’S BRILLIANT! Bartholomew, write this down!”

History does not lie, folks.


I hate to be negative, (no I don’t), but I can’t help but to wonder what inspired whole nations to wear green and eat funnel cakes on March 17th.


I just cannot comprehend how participating in these irregular activities is supposed to honor St. Patrick: the Irish guy that beheld the mighty shamrock. I mean, couldn’t he have found something more interesting to act as a symbol of his life? I, for one, would have been holding a cat or a cheese stick. It’s not like I’m asking for fireworks or a green machete, but he could at least sport an Irish flag. Even a potato would suffice. (Aka the main product of Ireland).


I bet a rainbow and four leprechauns that he would have held something more exciting if he realized his life would become a legacy.


By the way, what’s with the “pinching if you don’t wear green” thing? Well, I did some rather dull research.


It turns out that it started as an American tradition in the early 1700s (typical: just leave it to Americans to ruin a holiday).


Back in the day, St. Patrick’s revelers thought wearing green made themselves invisible to leprechauns. It was told that those red-headed rainbow midgets would pinch anyone that was not wearing a certain secondary color (green, duh).


And so, some superstitious bubble-disrespecting morons began pinching people in honor of this irrelevant holiday. Thanks for the warning, fellas, but I’m pretty sure leprechauns have better things to do.
And if those little gremlins have better things to do, then so do I.

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